Thursday, December 11, 2008

Why you shouldn't mess with Shauna in the morning.

I was RUDELY awakened this morning (I usually don't get up before 9:30). My poor mother came rushing into my room and threw open the door at about 7:40AM:

"Shauna! Get up, I need you to keep an eye on something while I drop Stacey off at school. Put your contacts in!"

"WHAT IS GOING ON MOM??!!" I say somewhat annoyed, somewhat worried.

"There's a scorpion that I need you to keep an eye on. Dad can't come home yet to kill it."

"OK, ok. Where is it?"

"On the ceiling in my bathroom." So we have a peeping Tom on our hands eh?

"Fine, I'll be there in a min." I proceeded to put on some thick heeled, close-toe shoes, put my contacts in and groggily go into her bathroom. The ceiling is vaulted in there, at least 12 feet high. At the corner of one wall and ceiling and above the sink area, there it is, my nemesis of the morning. It's only 3 inches long, but it's the reason I'm up so early...THE SCORPION MUST DIE!

Courtney is up also, so I enlist her help. I send her to get some thick leather working gloves from the garage whilst I grab the telescoping window washing rod from the laundry room. I also make a quick run into my room where I grab one of my biggest and widest school textbooks, "Broadway" (so fitting). I run back and the scorpion has moved about a foot to the left from where it was before. I can't risk it going too far to the left otherwise it will land on the ledge above the doorway to the toilet room and I'll have to climb up there to get at it. Ain't no way I'm gonna let that happen.

I devise my plan. I must knock it down with the rod onto the sink counter a couple of feet to the right of where it is currently, then slam the book on it. It must have psychic powers because as soon as it started thinking the plan, it suddenly started to move in the opposite direction of where I need it to go. "STOP you son of a...." Courtney walked into the room so I didn't finish what I was going to say, which of course was 'biscuit'. As a safety precaution, I put the stiff leather gloves on my hands in the possibility that A) the scorpion jumps either onto the rod, B) it falls down on the carpet, or C) if it jumps at me, hopefully I can swat it with my super-fast Jedi reflexes (ha) before it can sting me. "Courtney, I may need you to throw the book onto it once I knock it down. I don't know how fast it will be. You have to literally slam it down like you would a pog. Got it?" She nods her head.

My heart starts racing as I build up courage (and adrenaline). I pause and tell Courtney 'I'm saying a little prayer in my heart." to which she chimes in the song "I say a little prayer for you!" Thanks Courtney, real sacreligous and way to kill the moment. I take a deep breath and....Oh crap, it's on the move again! Didn't your momma tell you to hold still during prayer! I shout out "Die you scorpion scum!" and take a swipe at it. Crap again, it fell on the ledge, no! But wait, it's back on the wall again, racing over above the sink. I got you now! I take swipe number two......... It hits the surface of the bathroom counter top. Courtney spryly tosses the book onto the monster. I pause for a moment, breathing quickly, focusing on nothing but the book. Did she get it all the way? Is it going to crawl out??

I take two tentative steps toward the book. I don't see it trying to sneak out. For good measure though I make my gloved hand into a fist and pummel the book three times. 'Ain't no one ever gonna come back from that sucka'!' I yell in my head. It HAS to be dead now. Not 2 seconds after that I start giggling. Y'know, like the 'I super high on adrenaline right now and had a close encounter with something sinister' giggle. I sound crazy. Courtney sort of starts to join in.

My mother timidly calls out "A-a-are you g-girls ok?? D-Did it move y-y-y-yet?". Unaware of my supreme hatred towards anything/anyone who gets me up early and frightens my mother, she has no idea that we have killed the beast.

"Mom it's ok, we killed it."

"WHAT??!! Y-y-you killed it? Are y-you ok?? Did you really d-d-do that??"

"Yeah mom, every thing's fine now. The scorpion is dead."

HUGE SIGH AND EXHALATION OF BREATH. Poor mom, she was so scared! "Oh, my goodness. Oh my goodness. (tears start to well up) I hate scorpions and your father is at an appointment right now and wouldn't have been able to come home right away and (at this point I almost couldn't hear what she was saying she was crying so hard) I was so scared. I HATE scorpions" I put my arms around her. Oh mom, I didn't know you were that afraid!

"It's ok, Courtney and I will clean it up."

"Ew, ew ew ew ew ew, where is it?"

"Well uh, whatever's left of it is underneath that book."

"Ew ew ew ewwwww. Here, use this fly swatter, or paper towel." She hands me both then runs over and opens up the toilet lid and then runs back to the entrance of the bathroom.

I cautiously pry the book from the counter and try to peek underneath it before possibly releasing the creature if it isn't already toast. Ha, yeah, that thing never had a prayer. It's flatter than a pancake and any liquid contained in it's body it ALL over my book. Great. 'I hate you, scorpion. See what happens when you mess with Shauna Smith early in the morning? It earns you a ride on the porcelain express. Later sucker!!' I think to myself as I put the paper towel containing it's remains in the toilet bowl and flush it to eternal sewerness.

THA' END

11 comments:

Spencer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spencer said...

Great... Shauna got a taste of blood and liked it. She'll be needing another "fix" eventually, so everyone just be careful around her... If she starts to laugh meniacly, RUN! ;p

RyDeb.White said...

That story was intense. I'm glad the little bugger didn't get you!

P.S. I totally thought you were going to say "Son of a Nutcracker!"

Lovely Lady said...

Shauna, you are so brave! You're my hero...haha.

Chelsi and Trevor Chipps said...

Oh my goodness! That is one of the best stories ever!! i love it!!

ssquared said...

Oh gosh, Mom is ridiculously frightened of scorpions. I don't get it.

Jolene (and my sweet husband Kevin) said...

You need to come live with us. We've had 8 scorpions in our house this year. Yuck!

Kristin Saunders said...

"I say a little prayer for you"...haha Courtney would sing that

Brandon and Camille Smithson said...

I love it! My mom wouldn't have had to throw open the door to wake me up because of an insect or scorpine... she was have screamed so loud I would never had had a chance to keep asleep

Courtney said...

Oh ho ho ho! Nothing comes between Shauna and her sleepy time! That certainly was a memorable experience. I totally lobbed the book perfectly on the little perpetrator. It was kinda painful to see Mom so petrified by the scorpion, though.

Gaylene said...

I haven't seen you in FOREVER. I just couldn't stop laughing at my sweet crazy Shauna COUSIN! You are so funny. I am so glad you left a comment so I can check in to read all about your close encounters with scariness. I have NEVER seen a scorpion, if I do, I now have some insight from you on how to eliminate it. Thanks. :)